1. DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which
you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
2. WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh
3. SKILL SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
4. PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
5. BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
6. HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.
7. VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
8. OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
9. TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
10. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.
11. BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the
trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
12. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.
13. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
14. STRAIGHT SLOT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
15. PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
16. HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
17. HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
to the object we are trying to hit.
18. UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
19. SON-OF-A-B**CH TOOL : (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you
grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a B**CH! ‘ at the top
of your lungs.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘CALL 911.’