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Emails Can Mess With Your Head

I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over  the past year. I am  totally screwed up now and have little chance of  recovery. Here’s what I have learned.

  • I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
  • I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread  because I can only  imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
  • I have trouble shaking  hands  with someone who has  been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone  is picking one’s nose.
  • Eating a little snack  sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of  trans fats I have consumed over the years.
  • I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
  • I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
  • ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
  • I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
  • I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
  • I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo  on a hot day.
  • Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
  • Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
  • I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn’t crawl  in my back seat when I’m filling up.
  • I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
  • And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
  • I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit  down.
  • I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
  • And, I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
  • Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
  • And thanks to your great advice  I can’t ever pick up a
  • dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend  over.
  • I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

WARNING:

If you don’t share this post with at least 144,000 people in the next 70  minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head  at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician!

Oh, and by the  way…
A  German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read blog posts with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off  now, it’s too late.

 

 

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